Long Blonde Jokes
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.
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A blonde walks into a hardware store, and is looking for a new television. The store assistant approaches her and says, “I’m sorry madam, but we don’t serve blondes.” So she goes home, has a breast reduction, and dyes and cuts her hair. She goes back to the store, and asks the assistant, “I’d like to buy this television please”. The store assistant replies, “sorry madam, we don’t serve blondes.” “How did you know?” she said.
“Because that is a microwave, not a television!”
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A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said “I’m sorry to inform you that one of the flight’s engines has stopped functioning.
“This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour”.
Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says “I’m terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours.”
After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says “I’m afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more.”
A blonde passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily “I hope that last engine doesn’t stop functioning! We’ll be stuck here all day!”
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Two blondes went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Sharon says to Tracey “How we gonna tell who owns which pig?” Tracey says “I Know! I’ll cut one of the ears off my pig, and then we can tell them apart”. “Good idea!”, says Sharon.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Sharon stormed into the house. “Tracey,” she said “Your stupid pig has chewed an ear off my pig. Now we’ve got two pigs with only one ear each. How are we gonna tell who owns which pig?”. “Well, Sharon” says Tracey, “I’ll cut the other ear off my pig. Then we’ll be able to tell them apart again.” Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Sharon again stormed into the house. “Tracey,” she said “Your stupid pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we’ve got two pigs with no ears! How are we gonna tell who owns which pig?” “This is serious Sharon” said Tracey, “How about I cut the tail off my pig. Then we’ll have two pigs with no ears and only one tail between them.” “Good idea.” says Sharon. Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Sharon stormed into the house once more.
“TRACEY!” shouted Sharon “YOUR STUPID BLOODY PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFF
MY PIG AND NOW WE’VE GOT TWO PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO
BLOODY TAILS! HOW THE HELL ARE WE GONNA TELL THEM APART NOW?”
“Oh Dammit” says Tracey “Why don’t you have the black one, and I’ll have the white one.”
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”
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